what a monumental level of disappointment I have reached knowing that you have replaced me with a younger boy.
in his eyes I see my haunted reflection.
a tragic mirror image of all I had to offer.
all the desperate emotions that went ignored are now trapped beneath his ironically similar golden brown skin.
the pain and sorrow I felt from your sheer neglect is trapped in his brittle little bones, growing like a terminal cancer.
his pure heart will soon be black and hollow as mine as he rots from the inside just as I did.
each time you were inside me I died a little more, shuttered in delight as you let your poison dissipate deep within.
my body, an empty shell writhing in ecstasy as you used me.
I look at him and see his pretty bones and know your carnality will devour him whole.
and somehow I know that you are going to give him all the things I ever wanted, all the things I have never received.
his beautiful corpse breeds envy in my hollow heart because for some reason I know that you are going to love him instead of destroy him.
and now I lay in bed, in defeat, like the rubble of a conquered castle.
weary with wonder and despair.
and now I am simply the dust, ashes and bone that you couldn’t find use for in your life.
smoldering unattended for the rest of eternity bitter and alone.
as of late, I have realized that it has become a daunting task to deceive myself into believing that things will somehow work out for me. each new day illuminates the disheartening truth. this downward spiral will someday envelop me and everything I have ever been. all the tears, memories and pain will finally swallow me whole. sadly I am comforted by the idea that it will all fade to black for me someday. resting eternally drenched in my sorrow but free from the deception of happiness.
I have never felt this alone before.
I have officially lost all hope.
what a shame
seething with regret.
soaking in sorrow.
despair and devastation
have come to keep me warm once again,
to shield me from
the cold and callous,
with their careful calculation
and relentless cruelty.
it seems they will stop at nothing
to revel in my destruction.
to bathe in my sorrow.
to bleed me dry
and drain me of my tears.
all I ever wanted was to love
and be loved
I have learned that no matter how hard you try sometimes things just are not meant to be. this slow deconstruction of my heart is literally killing me. I will never be good enough for anybody. I hate myself for believing so many lies. this is all too much for me to take. so I will toast to the reality that I am meant to suffer. and I will wipe my tear stained eyes and continue to torture myself with the pain of being unloved. I don’t wish this empty yet heavy sorrow on anyone, not even my worst enemy. so cut my throat while you smile at my despair. let me bleed out and fade away. I am nothing more than a martyr for my love for you.
try detect you when I’m sleeping in a wave you say goodbye…
tell me you’re mine